Showing posts with label HUMOR. Show all posts
Darts WithThe Spambot
We all hate em'. Those pesky codes you have to enter in order to get an Internet form to go through. Usually they're an image with some distorted letters and numbers you can barely read. These things are in place to stop spambots from automatically sending their crap through the form processor.
I have been the victim of these spambots for quite a while now, and have simply refused to put my customers and web site visitors through the agony of distorted letters and numbers. But this week I finally had it. Filters werent doing the trick and those freakin' spambots were hitting my online forms several hundred times a day.
I was so fed up I considered purchasing all of their male enhancement products for an overdose so I could track them down and beat them within an inch of their lives with my newly acquired tree trunk sized male member.
So in order to calm down and address the problem creatively, the solution I installed randomly tells the user what their score is and asks them which double they need to aim at in order to take it out. Get it wrong and the message wont go through until you get it right!
I have been the victim of these spambots for quite a while now, and have simply refused to put my customers and web site visitors through the agony of distorted letters and numbers. But this week I finally had it. Filters werent doing the trick and those freakin' spambots were hitting my online forms several hundred times a day.I was so fed up I considered purchasing all of their male enhancement products for an overdose so I could track them down and beat them within an inch of their lives with my newly acquired tree trunk sized male member.
So in order to calm down and address the problem creatively, the solution I installed randomly tells the user what their score is and asks them which double they need to aim at in order to take it out. Get it wrong and the message wont go through until you get it right!
Dear Microsoft
April 2004 - Dear Microsoft
After over 20 years in computer graphics technology, and being in a computer driven industry since 1992, I feel it is time to show my appreciation for all you do to make my life simple. As an experienced carpenter, I offer my services to build your dream home.
Your home would have all of the functions and features you have provided me over the years. For starters, I would install a Wizard. Your personal Wizard would constantly be in and around your home to help you with your daily life. For instance;
When you take out the garbage, the Wizard would put it back in another place in your home to make sure you take it out again.
When you flip a light switch, the Wizard will stop you and ask “Do you really want to turn that light on?”
When you put away your holiday decorations, the Wizard will take them back out and tell you “you have decorations waiting to be put away, what would you like to do? Put them away? Put them back up? Look at them?”
Anything you buy from the hardware store or Home Depot will not be compatible with your home unless I provided it to them in the first place. Anything you buy that is compatible will come with another few gizmos you don’t want that will make your home even less efficient.
When you turn on your television it will default to “My Channel”. No matter what channel you were previously watching. When you attempt to change the channel the Wizard will stand in front of the television and ask you if you want to watch TV, change the settings, browse TV listings, switch to the VCR or DVD, or of course login to AOL.
The Wizard only scratches the surface of the convenience involving your daily tasks. I would also put a big satilite dish on your roof with a giant blue and orange butterfly on it that receives only AOL broadcasts. If you try to take it down the Wizard will climb up and inform you that you cannot uninstall it. It will constantly be active and run up your electricity bill, and in some form lower the water pressure throughout the entire household. If you paint over the butterfly it will magically be back the next day.
When you put your car in the garage the Wizard will run out and open all the doors and the hood and ask you if you want the groceries taken out of the trunk, the oil changed, the windows washed or any fluids checked. Once informed of the proper action you will need to push the garage door button a minimum of three times in order to close the garage, as the Wizard will thoroughly interview you to make sure you really want it closed. If you did not make any changes to your car, you will be asked if he wants to remember the changes anyway.
Once again, I appreciate what you have done with your software to make my computer experience take less time, run less tasks and allow me to be as productive as possible.
After over 20 years in computer graphics technology, and being in a computer driven industry since 1992, I feel it is time to show my appreciation for all you do to make my life simple. As an experienced carpenter, I offer my services to build your dream home.
Your home would have all of the functions and features you have provided me over the years. For starters, I would install a Wizard. Your personal Wizard would constantly be in and around your home to help you with your daily life. For instance;
When you take out the garbage, the Wizard would put it back in another place in your home to make sure you take it out again.When you flip a light switch, the Wizard will stop you and ask “Do you really want to turn that light on?”
When you put away your holiday decorations, the Wizard will take them back out and tell you “you have decorations waiting to be put away, what would you like to do? Put them away? Put them back up? Look at them?”
Anything you buy from the hardware store or Home Depot will not be compatible with your home unless I provided it to them in the first place. Anything you buy that is compatible will come with another few gizmos you don’t want that will make your home even less efficient.
When you turn on your television it will default to “My Channel”. No matter what channel you were previously watching. When you attempt to change the channel the Wizard will stand in front of the television and ask you if you want to watch TV, change the settings, browse TV listings, switch to the VCR or DVD, or of course login to AOL.
The Wizard only scratches the surface of the convenience involving your daily tasks. I would also put a big satilite dish on your roof with a giant blue and orange butterfly on it that receives only AOL broadcasts. If you try to take it down the Wizard will climb up and inform you that you cannot uninstall it. It will constantly be active and run up your electricity bill, and in some form lower the water pressure throughout the entire household. If you paint over the butterfly it will magically be back the next day.
When you put your car in the garage the Wizard will run out and open all the doors and the hood and ask you if you want the groceries taken out of the trunk, the oil changed, the windows washed or any fluids checked. Once informed of the proper action you will need to push the garage door button a minimum of three times in order to close the garage, as the Wizard will thoroughly interview you to make sure you really want it closed. If you did not make any changes to your car, you will be asked if he wants to remember the changes anyway.
Once again, I appreciate what you have done with your software to make my computer experience take less time, run less tasks and allow me to be as productive as possible.
"Rags"
Where Is Your Web Site?
Yesterday felt like a comfortable 120 degrees outside and my recently broken ankle felt great, so I started bright and early on some much needed TLC for the Suburban, and got out that long task list that had built up over the year so I could finally get that out of the way.
By mid morning I had the truck cleaned out and suck-a-luxed (that had not been done since before Christmas last year) and washed it regardless of the rain coming through today.
Getting under the hood for some way overdue maintenance I realized I needed to make an auto parts store run for fluids, B12 (for the carb and the curious wasp insisting on helping me) and some summer cleaning supplies.
Household tip: B12 carb cleaner kills wasps on contact, and is cheaper than wasp and hornet spray.
Armed with my "stocking stuffer Auto Zone gift card" my nephews gave me last year I decided to go there. I quit going there for actual parts though. Their parts counter makes me nuts. (I should'nt have to tell you the size of my motor, specs on the air conditioning and whether or not it's two or four wheel drive in order to purchase a friggin' headlight!)
While waiting in line at Auto Zone I overheard a gentleman telling an employee how nice it was to be able to source the part he needed on their web site before heading out to get it. It saved him the time and trouble of possibly visiting several auto parts locations to find one particular thing.
My next stop was Home Depot for a huge list of things I needed for the house, lawn, projects in progress etc... Standing next to a gentleman and his son in the power tool section, I overheard them discussing the cordless drill features in comparison to each other that they had researched on the web site before deciding on which one they might purchase. They had arrived with an educated guess, again saving time and trouble.
Having the HD run out of the way I hit Best Buy to see about getting a new scrolling mouse. Normally I would go next door to the computer store but once again I have a few gift cards in the console of my truck I keep forgetting to use. Once more I overheard someone mentioning the fact that they had been on their web site to check on a new CD release and its availability. Before driving 20 miles to another location, they found this location closer and easier to get to.
On the way out of the lot I noticed Car Toys wasn't too busy so I dropped in to talk car audio with a tech. I have a speaker project in mind for the summer where I will be teaching myself how to do fiberglass, so I thought someone might give me a few pointers. I hear the man at the checkout counter telling the clerk he had never seen the store because its storefront and signage points away from the Interstate and side streets. He was pleased to have found their web site and was ready to do business there.
Returning to my humid 150 degree truck and slightly burning my hand on the seat belt I realized I had missed a couple of phone calls. Cooking and talking on the phone being no fun at all I decided to hit my hang out for a bucket of lemonade and some air conditioning, order a pizza for dinner and return some calls.
After dinner while waiting on my tab the bar maid answers an incoming call, asks them to hold and asks the restaurant owner "Theres someone on the phone that wants to know if we have a web site. Do we have one?" The owner and most of the patrons know I build web sites so they all turned to me at the same time - as if I had dropped the ball. I just shook my head as the owner let out a big sigh and said "no". I guess the site we discussed building last football season might be working its way back into consideration.
I had to reflect on how my entire day evolved around people using the web to make their plans, find directions, find businesses and more. To me it is a sign that being on the web is just as important as any other form of advertising and marketing.
So, where is your web site?
By mid morning I had the truck cleaned out and suck-a-luxed (that had not been done since before Christmas last year) and washed it regardless of the rain coming through today.
Getting under the hood for some way overdue maintenance I realized I needed to make an auto parts store run for fluids, B12 (for the carb and the curious wasp insisting on helping me) and some summer cleaning supplies.Household tip: B12 carb cleaner kills wasps on contact, and is cheaper than wasp and hornet spray.
Armed with my "stocking stuffer Auto Zone gift card" my nephews gave me last year I decided to go there. I quit going there for actual parts though. Their parts counter makes me nuts. (I should'nt have to tell you the size of my motor, specs on the air conditioning and whether or not it's two or four wheel drive in order to purchase a friggin' headlight!)
While waiting in line at Auto Zone I overheard a gentleman telling an employee how nice it was to be able to source the part he needed on their web site before heading out to get it. It saved him the time and trouble of possibly visiting several auto parts locations to find one particular thing.
My next stop was Home Depot for a huge list of things I needed for the house, lawn, projects in progress etc... Standing next to a gentleman and his son in the power tool section, I overheard them discussing the cordless drill features in comparison to each other that they had researched on the web site before deciding on which one they might purchase. They had arrived with an educated guess, again saving time and trouble.Having the HD run out of the way I hit Best Buy to see about getting a new scrolling mouse. Normally I would go next door to the computer store but once again I have a few gift cards in the console of my truck I keep forgetting to use. Once more I overheard someone mentioning the fact that they had been on their web site to check on a new CD release and its availability. Before driving 20 miles to another location, they found this location closer and easier to get to.
On the way out of the lot I noticed Car Toys wasn't too busy so I dropped in to talk car audio with a tech. I have a speaker project in mind for the summer where I will be teaching myself how to do fiberglass, so I thought someone might give me a few pointers. I hear the man at the checkout counter telling the clerk he had never seen the store because its storefront and signage points away from the Interstate and side streets. He was pleased to have found their web site and was ready to do business there.
Returning to my humid 150 degree truck and slightly burning my hand on the seat belt I realized I had missed a couple of phone calls. Cooking and talking on the phone being no fun at all I decided to hit my hang out for a bucket of lemonade and some air conditioning, order a pizza for dinner and return some calls.After dinner while waiting on my tab the bar maid answers an incoming call, asks them to hold and asks the restaurant owner "Theres someone on the phone that wants to know if we have a web site. Do we have one?" The owner and most of the patrons know I build web sites so they all turned to me at the same time - as if I had dropped the ball. I just shook my head as the owner let out a big sigh and said "no". I guess the site we discussed building last football season might be working its way back into consideration.
I had to reflect on how my entire day evolved around people using the web to make their plans, find directions, find businesses and more. To me it is a sign that being on the web is just as important as any other form of advertising and marketing.
So, where is your web site?
Beer Cooler Calculator
Last week I got a summer time tradition out of the way early. I get out the cooler, insert 48 beers and a 25 pound bag of ice, the proceed to bend over and shake it so the ice falls down into the bottles and cans until my back goes "POW!".
Ahh summertime.
In an effort to help others avoid this painful tradition I introduce the beer cooler calculator. Enjoy and remember, don't drink and drive, you could spill your drink!
Ahh summertime.
In an effort to help others avoid this painful tradition I introduce the beer cooler calculator. Enjoy and remember, don't drink and drive, you could spill your drink!
Online Mischief
Or in this case spell that myschef.
There is a web site I developed that sells chef apparel, aprons, chef hats etc... I am proud of how it turned out and maintain it regularly as it is one of the busiest sites I am responsible for, and we are growing into a culinary portal of updated, useful information for the target audience. Keeping the site going strong has resulted in increased sales so I check in often.
The web logs on the server allow me to see several facts and statistics - including hijacked images.
The term "hijacked images" doesn't mean they're held hostage somewhere or being threatened. It refers to other web sites using your images on their web pages, but drawing them from your server rather than saving the images to their own. This allows them to utilize the images that you are paying to store and bandwidth.
It is generally frowned upon to do that.
The logs have been reporting that a competitors web site has been hijacking images from the culinary site, and appears to be selling the same products. A few months ago I wrote a well mannered e-mail to them, asking nicely that they save the images to their servers rather than load them from ours. In short time I received a kind response saying they would oblige, yet I haven't seen that happen.
So, I stew on it for several weeks. I can always change the names of the files, but that takes work. I have to change the names, re-upload the files, change the filenames in each products specs, change the images in my Froogle feed and upload that... The list goes on. Additionally, the failed image requests would fill up the error logs and to my knowledge, still draw resources from the site.
Plus, I just haven't had the time to piddle with it.
The week came however when I did find myself with extra time to handle some tasks from the back burner. While plowing through these things, I decided I had the time to change the filenames of the images and see how that went. I changed the names, uploaded the images, uploaded my Froogle feed etc... and started awaiting the confirmation email that the new feed had been activated.
Then things got entertaining.
What if I left the hijacked images on the server the same, but changed the ones being hijacked. I could change them to say "shouldnt you really be shopping at mychefcoat.com?" - something to that effect.
The thought of getting someone angry in the e-commerce area of things drove me away from that thought. So off I went to Google to research other possible avenues.Pic 1 :: Pic 2 :: Pic 3 :: Pic 4
Pic 5 :: Pic 6 :: Pic 7 :: Pic 8 :: Pic 9
There is a web site I developed that sells chef apparel, aprons, chef hats etc... I am proud of how it turned out and maintain it regularly as it is one of the busiest sites I am responsible for, and we are growing into a culinary portal of updated, useful information for the target audience. Keeping the site going strong has resulted in increased sales so I check in often.
The web logs on the server allow me to see several facts and statistics - including hijacked images.
The term "hijacked images" doesn't mean they're held hostage somewhere or being threatened. It refers to other web sites using your images on their web pages, but drawing them from your server rather than saving the images to their own. This allows them to utilize the images that you are paying to store and bandwidth.
It is generally frowned upon to do that.
The logs have been reporting that a competitors web site has been hijacking images from the culinary site, and appears to be selling the same products. A few months ago I wrote a well mannered e-mail to them, asking nicely that they save the images to their servers rather than load them from ours. In short time I received a kind response saying they would oblige, yet I haven't seen that happen.
So, I stew on it for several weeks. I can always change the names of the files, but that takes work. I have to change the names, re-upload the files, change the filenames in each products specs, change the images in my Froogle feed and upload that... The list goes on. Additionally, the failed image requests would fill up the error logs and to my knowledge, still draw resources from the site.
Plus, I just haven't had the time to piddle with it.
The week came however when I did find myself with extra time to handle some tasks from the back burner. While plowing through these things, I decided I had the time to change the filenames of the images and see how that went. I changed the names, uploaded the images, uploaded my Froogle feed etc... and started awaiting the confirmation email that the new feed had been activated.
Then things got entertaining.
What if I left the hijacked images on the server the same, but changed the ones being hijacked. I could change them to say "shouldnt you really be shopping at mychefcoat.com?" - something to that effect.
The thought of getting someone angry in the e-commerce area of things drove me away from that thought. So off I went to Google to research other possible avenues.
Staying up waaaaay too late one evening, I found my solution to the issue.
Have fun with it!
Below you will see the changed images that will be appearing on the hijackers web site.
Until they see it and change their web pages that is.
Click on the links to view the slide show. Scroll below the pics for the results.
Pic 5 :: Pic 6 :: Pic 7 :: Pic 8 :: Pic 9
Finding Customers On The Internet
Summer Fishin' Report: September, 2004.
Yes folks, the holiday season is near and it is time to fire up the web site and get in some summertime fishing for customers on the Internet. Like most professional anglers, I recently took the time to "pre-fish" the web. For those unfamiliar with the term, that is when you spend some time out there finding the fish so you can return and catch them later when it really counts (grin). With that I bring you the latest fishin' report for Lake Internet.
Broadband Creek producing larger spenders:
Pro Internet fishin' guide Google returned several reports this week that indicate North America has about 23.1 million Internet users on broadband or high speed access, and that the number is climbing steadily as technology improves and services become more affordable. Along with that, statistics show that high speed Internet users represent the highest percentage of those online that source products, shop, bank, book travel and more over the Internet on a regular basis. High speed users are also reported to earn more of an income, and spend more of it.
This has made Broadband Creek one of the first honey holes to fish as activity increases. These are obviously schools of qualified buyers, so online anglers are able to improve their chances of a successful catch if they can get the right bait in the strike zone. Arrive at the lake prepared with the answer to this question: "Where can I find high speed Internet users that are MY potential catch" to locate them and lure them in. These high speed users are great catches as they are more likely online at home as well as at work, increasing the possibilities of them needing the products or services in your tackle box.
High Speed Baits:
As to how to get these speedy lunkers using your web site it is suggested that streaming video and dynamic content excites them and increases the chances of making a sale and/or returning frequently. Presentation appears to be key. These high speed users prefer to do their online shopping fast and easy rather than making a lengthy time consuming task out of it. Prepare your web site with the fast and easy features these lunkers might enjoy for successful fishin':
"Sticky" baits getting nibbles during cold water fishin':
Every fishin' trip presents different conditions, and if the lake isnt producing catches you can never be sure they arent bumping your bait, unless of course you prepare your web site with the features that will entice them to bite at a later time. Online consumers have been known to bookmark web sites for a later visit and even submit their email address for subscriptions and newsletters, providing anglers with other opportuities for getting the bait in the strike zone. It is up to you as the angler to have these features on your web site that will catch their attention, get them to commit and persue the catch in due process.
Keeping a tight line and using "Sticky" baits such as online contests, free content, message boards or forums and e-books are producing catches from online shoppers taking more time to bite. Tailor your web sites "stickyness" to your target audience for the best results. For example, does anyone out there know where to find a custom printed keychain or pen to send to potential customers? Offering up a freebee to your web site visitors like that could result in some successful chumming of the area, attracting more bites and getting more lunkers in the boat.
Message forums in particular tend to bring attention from search engines feeding into many areas of the lake, bringing visitors back frequently to check in on messages and topics or even posting customer testimonials; all attracting more nibbles, bites and catches. A suggestion for a promotional products company might be to start a message forum where customers can share their promotional experiences with one another, for example what went over well for last weekends golf tournament, caps or t-shirts? Things you would like to know as well as information your existing and potential customers can use.
Another sticky bait, the E-Zine has been gaining popularity. Publishing an E-Zine or e-mail newsletter and getting it into the strike zone proves to serve two purposes - one, it acts as a channel to broadcast sales announcements, holiday reminders, gift or reward ideas and customer education to existing and potential catches - and two, the readers interest is the sticky that keeps them reminded and updated on what your promotions are on a regular basis. Keep that bait in the strike zone where they can see it for successful online angling.
The catch and release program:
Catch and release refers to letting em' go so you can catch them again another day. Sometimes they're just not biting, but taking a real close look at you for information first. Make sure your web site provides existing customers as well as new and potential catches with plenty of information such as answers to frequently asked questions. "Are there any minimums around here?" or "how could I submit artwork for a quote?". Let them know your ordering procedures, the process of setting up new accounts, delivery turnaround times and anything else you may find yourself repeating on the phone daily. This can make the environment more comfortable for them and leave you more time for angling at the same time. Educated customers are always beneficial; utilize your web site to assist in letting them know how your business operates for immediate customer satisfaction and continued service in the future. If they like what they find, they will come back.
I hope this fishin' report will help guide you on your next trip to Lake Internet. New customers are online and active and I feel over the holidays they will continue to be productive. Best of luck fishin' for your catch!
Yes folks, the holiday season is near and it is time to fire up the web site and get in some summertime fishing for customers on the Internet. Like most professional anglers, I recently took the time to "pre-fish" the web. For those unfamiliar with the term, that is when you spend some time out there finding the fish so you can return and catch them later when it really counts (grin). With that I bring you the latest fishin' report for Lake Internet.
Broadband Creek producing larger spenders:
Pro Internet fishin' guide Google returned several reports this week that indicate North America has about 23.1 million Internet users on broadband or high speed access, and that the number is climbing steadily as technology improves and services become more affordable. Along with that, statistics show that high speed Internet users represent the highest percentage of those online that source products, shop, bank, book travel and more over the Internet on a regular basis. High speed users are also reported to earn more of an income, and spend more of it.
This has made Broadband Creek one of the first honey holes to fish as activity increases. These are obviously schools of qualified buyers, so online anglers are able to improve their chances of a successful catch if they can get the right bait in the strike zone. Arrive at the lake prepared with the answer to this question: "Where can I find high speed Internet users that are MY potential catch" to locate them and lure them in. These high speed users are great catches as they are more likely online at home as well as at work, increasing the possibilities of them needing the products or services in your tackle box.
High Speed Baits:
As to how to get these speedy lunkers using your web site it is suggested that streaming video and dynamic content excites them and increases the chances of making a sale and/or returning frequently. Presentation appears to be key. These high speed users prefer to do their online shopping fast and easy rather than making a lengthy time consuming task out of it. Prepare your web site with the fast and easy features these lunkers might enjoy for successful fishin':
- A visible phone number on every page of your web site
- An easy to find and submit contact form and/or quote request form
- Clear and straight forward navigation
- A simple yet exciting and professional presentation of products and services offered
- 3 clicks or less to order items in online ordering systems and shopping carts
"Sticky" baits getting nibbles during cold water fishin':
Every fishin' trip presents different conditions, and if the lake isnt producing catches you can never be sure they arent bumping your bait, unless of course you prepare your web site with the features that will entice them to bite at a later time. Online consumers have been known to bookmark web sites for a later visit and even submit their email address for subscriptions and newsletters, providing anglers with other opportuities for getting the bait in the strike zone. It is up to you as the angler to have these features on your web site that will catch their attention, get them to commit and persue the catch in due process.
Keeping a tight line and using "Sticky" baits such as online contests, free content, message boards or forums and e-books are producing catches from online shoppers taking more time to bite. Tailor your web sites "stickyness" to your target audience for the best results. For example, does anyone out there know where to find a custom printed keychain or pen to send to potential customers? Offering up a freebee to your web site visitors like that could result in some successful chumming of the area, attracting more bites and getting more lunkers in the boat.
Message forums in particular tend to bring attention from search engines feeding into many areas of the lake, bringing visitors back frequently to check in on messages and topics or even posting customer testimonials; all attracting more nibbles, bites and catches. A suggestion for a promotional products company might be to start a message forum where customers can share their promotional experiences with one another, for example what went over well for last weekends golf tournament, caps or t-shirts? Things you would like to know as well as information your existing and potential customers can use.
Another sticky bait, the E-Zine has been gaining popularity. Publishing an E-Zine or e-mail newsletter and getting it into the strike zone proves to serve two purposes - one, it acts as a channel to broadcast sales announcements, holiday reminders, gift or reward ideas and customer education to existing and potential catches - and two, the readers interest is the sticky that keeps them reminded and updated on what your promotions are on a regular basis. Keep that bait in the strike zone where they can see it for successful online angling.
The catch and release program:
Catch and release refers to letting em' go so you can catch them again another day. Sometimes they're just not biting, but taking a real close look at you for information first. Make sure your web site provides existing customers as well as new and potential catches with plenty of information such as answers to frequently asked questions. "Are there any minimums around here?" or "how could I submit artwork for a quote?". Let them know your ordering procedures, the process of setting up new accounts, delivery turnaround times and anything else you may find yourself repeating on the phone daily. This can make the environment more comfortable for them and leave you more time for angling at the same time. Educated customers are always beneficial; utilize your web site to assist in letting them know how your business operates for immediate customer satisfaction and continued service in the future. If they like what they find, they will come back.
I hope this fishin' report will help guide you on your next trip to Lake Internet. New customers are online and active and I feel over the holidays they will continue to be productive. Best of luck fishin' for your catch!
"Rags"
