April 2004 - Dear MicrosoftAfter over 20 years in computer graphics technology, and being in a computer driven industry since 1992, I feel it is time to show my appreciation for all you do to make my life simple. As an experienced carpenter, I offer my services to build your dream home.
Your home would have all of the functions and features you have provided me over the years. For starters, I would install a Wizard. Your personal Wizard would constantly be in and around your home to help you with your daily life. For instance;
When you take out the garbage, the Wizard would put it back in another place in your home to make sure you take it out again.
When you flip a light switch, the Wizard will stop you and ask “Do you really want to turn that light on?”
When you put away your holiday decorations, the Wizard will take them back out and tell you “you have decorations waiting to be put away, what would you like to do? Put them away? Put them back up? Look at them?”
Anything you buy from the hardware store or Home Depot will not be compatible with your home unless I provided it to them in the first place. Anything you buy that is compatible will come with another few gizmos you don’t want that will make your home even less efficient.
When you turn on your television it will default to “My Channel”. No matter what channel you were previously watching. When you attempt to change the channel the Wizard will stand in front of the television and ask you if you want to watch TV, change the settings, browse TV listings, switch to the VCR or DVD, or of course login to AOL.
The Wizard only scratches the surface of the convenience involving your daily tasks. I would also put a big satilite dish on your roof with a giant blue and orange butterfly on it that receives only AOL broadcasts. If you try to take it down the Wizard will climb up and inform you that you cannot uninstall it. It will constantly be active and run up your electricity bill, and in some form lower the water pressure throughout the entire household. If you paint over the butterfly it will magically be back the next day.
When you put your car in the garage the Wizard will run out and open all the doors and the hood and ask you if you want the groceries taken out of the trunk, the oil changed, the windows washed or any fluids checked. Once informed of the proper action you will need to push the garage door button a minimum of three times in order to close the garage, as the Wizard will thoroughly interview you to make sure you really want it closed. If you did not make any changes to your car, you will be asked if he wants to remember the changes anyway.
Once again, I appreciate what you have done with your software to make my computer experience take less time, run less tasks and allow me to be as productive as possible.
"Rags"
Promowear Magazine, November/December 2006.
